14 Minutes of "Fame"

So i've been doing some work/favors for a friend whom I really care about who was basically the person who helped me get the wheels moving for my recovery. Working with him requires me to meet alot of personalities and performers who have all been very nice and sweet and made what I am doing enjoyable and fun. Up until today

So the performer Steven Daigle who was on Big Brother who became a porn star is the featured guest at this event. The man supposed to be running this event, my friend, has another event so he can't be here. He hires a social host who is nice to host in his absence. I bring a friend/porn star to make up for the lack of help. Well Steven shows up late after refusing my help. Ummm, if Michael enlists my services and he knows EXACTLY what hes doing, then someone who has no idea what they'r doing should be asking for help. Although he was a little pissy with me, he sure put a smile on his face and those eyes lit up when he met the host. I'm guessing that is because the guest host is more connected around town than I am and therefore, being a professional bottom feeder he knew he couldn't step on his toes.

Honestly, Steven Daigle is a reality show loser who was unanimously voted off of Big Brother (a low-rated show on a low rated channel, his particular season getting lower ratings than any season) and feels that by becoming a porn star hes cool. I did my research on his personality, and he basically said himself that seeing himself on a flyer with other porn stars made him feel validated, and that porn stars were just regular people with nicer bodies.LMAO. Hey gay cowboy, your body is nothing to brag about. I mean, it's not bad, it's slightly above average. Anyway, here's a list of things I WOULD'VE done if I were a Big Brother reject and wanted to hold onto my fame a little longer, that extra minute

1. Write a book. Duh

2. Start a non-profit

3. Date Lance Bass

4. start a non-profit agency

5. Find some 'I LOVE THE 80'S' type of specials to provide commentary work for

6. Do real acting

And If You Absolutely HAD to do porn, here's what you could've done to capitalize on all you could've gained

1. Be a top. Bottoms don't become stars.

2.Be a top. Tops are more marketable. They get dildos and things like that. Blake Riley got an ass mold, which I must add nobody bought

3.Be a top. You could've held out and got the big bucks when you topped, but instead you gave it up in your first scene.

4. Work with a different company. C1R is not the best company, which is why I understand you work with them.

That's what I would've done...But thats just me.

Day 1

So I relapsed. I drank alcohol. I didn't get drunk. But I drank, and according to program rules ALCOHOL is not recommended. I have to be honest with myself and the other men in my program so I am willing to stand up today and get that 24 hr chip. I never got one the first time so I guess I will be making up for that tonight...

I decided that instead of going to meetings looking for men to fuck around with, I will be going to really listen and learn the steps correctly. Also going to be working on my myself more physically and mentally. I am a young gay man and the attitude I have been shown by my gay 'role models' is that a hot body goes further than a nice smile and pretty eyes with a kick ass personality can ever go. As of now, I am believing that because I really do think it's true. How can I not when it seems that I can't seem to win the gold medal doing what i'm doing now?? Men mainly care about a hot body and physical attraction, and that is the only reason I don't have a man now...

check out my next blog, entitled "Gold Medal" to follow up on what I wrote today

I Feel That Itch To Use Again

I am bored and have no sober friends.

My emotions are getting to me.

Almost nobody in CMA practices what they preach

I don't feel wanted or welcome there

Honestly I am almost fed up with the program. I don't even know why I subject myself into sitting in a fucking room 2 hours a day with a bunch of addicts and alcoholics who aren't about much. Like honestly, I feel that I can probably help myself or better yet help someone else better than any of them could. Seriously. They are hella fucking cliquey and they can honestly see you on the street an hour after meeting you and giving the fake smiles and the hugs and look you dead in the eye as if they have never seen you before in their life. The ONLY reason I keep going back is because it supposedly works, but the only thing going to CMA makes me want to do is fucking use. I am at odds with my sponsor and have been talked into getting a new one, but I decided I will ride it out for a while, because I do care about my sobriety more than I care about any of those assholes

I am close to relapsing right now...and I decided "what the hell these people gave me their numbers and told me to call them anytime if I needed to talk to them" Well I called, no answer, but they are willing to text. We wouldn't want to connect with each other during a conversation now would we? That would be too much like normal.

Thank God I am deciding to get sober at my young age, because I DO NOT want to be like these messy queens when i'm 37.

Golden Boys

"Golden Boys"

Why are you selling dreams of who you wish you could be
A prince in all of the magazines
They'd have no words for the man I've seen
Talk real fast 'fore they see your face

And would they love you if they knew all the things we know
We've got these images
We need them to be true
Not ready to believe we're no more insecure than you

But then there're boys like me who sit appauled by what we've seen
We know the truth about you
Now you're the prince of all the magazines
That is a dangerous thing

But would they love you if they knew all the things that we know
Those Golden Boys
All a fraud don't believe their show
Would they love you if they knew all the things that we know

Golden Boy life ain't a video

Place you in these robes and tell you you're the greatest man
And you believe and play your cards
Got dealt a winning hand
Don't you get tired of the show
The kissin' ass of all the people that you wanna know

When I was young I thought you had it won
I saw you in the Castro you made life look fun
But then years go by and people grow
I realize it's all a freak show

Boys like me don't need no bubblin' mindstate thrown in my face
The way you goin' ain't gonna be no stroll in the sunshine
Can't turn it back now baby you gone and past that line
So give it on up now
What you gonna do

Starting To Feel The Love/Starting To Win Me Over

It's so funny how so many people can help you out so greatly and barely know you

The other day I went to a party for a man named Gary. This was a VERY special party. Gary was celebrating his one year of being sober off of crystal meth. That is HUGE! It took him 9 years, but he did it. CONGRATULATIONS GARY!! But that night I had my own turning point that night. Well you see, im sort of a shy person and because of my low self esteem, paranoia, and depression issues. anyway, let me list the pieces of my still VERY incomplete puzzle:

1. Michael. He took me to my first CMA meeting. He gave me ALOT of attention. He made me feel special, wanted, and happy. I really look up to him a lot

2. Jared. He spoke to me for a while on Facebook one day and told me what I needed to do to take my recovery seriously

3. Philip. Philip isn't in Recovery, but like Michael is sort of like a father figure to me.

4. Gary. Gary invited me to his party. I don't like going places where I don't know anyone, and Michael was busy the day of the party and I didn't hear from him. If I didn't meet him and get a personal invite I wouldn't have gone, especially since the location was changed. He made me feel very comfortable and treated me as if he'd known me for years when I arrived at his party. He's a great guy

5. Richard. Met him and his sweet BF at Endowment. He spoke to me on the phone when I was freaking out about going inside the country club to Gary's party where I didn't know anyone. He was patient and listened to me until I was ready to go. Thats when minutes later I met...

6. Stefano. It is NOT like me to walk up to someone, but I had seen this man before and I thought he had a friendly face. I am known to be awkward in conversation, but it wasn't with him, which is unusual for me. He took me inside and introduced me to...

7. Andrew. Andrew is my sponsor. Nuff Said.

8. Stephan. Stephan is brand new, but hes my age. We had a great convo recently, and I felt like he was actually into it. We have a lot in common, ALMOST too much.

Those are the people who really stand out. Thank you guys for making me feel welcome. I will continue to keep coming back because of you al!

SLAMMED

Lets go back to April 23rd 2010

I actually felt horny that night...so I decided to go on Adam4adam and see what I could find. It wasn't long before I connected with this dude and I was taking the F Castro up to his place.

I get there and he lets me in. He tells me he is a dealer. Oh no. I should leave, but i'm too fucking horny too go all the way back home. I stay. He slams. He asks me if I want to slam. I tell him that I will smoke if he has a pipe.

Wait a minute. I'm supposed to be sober aren't I? Yes, I am.

He doesn't have a pipe. Thank God he doesn't have a pipe. I was so ready...so fuckin' ready to get high again. so fuckin' ready. so.fuckin'. ready.

God damnit I cannot believe that I could've relapsed so easily. It's been almost three weeks since I last used at that point...FUCK. What was I thinking. This is what I was thinking: I need this drug. I need this drug. I need this drug. I need this drug. I NEED THIS DRUG. I can't do anything without this drug. I need crystal meth. I need that high. That incredible high I love so fucking much. This high is so amazing. I love smoking and turning into that sexual monster that I turn into. I don't eat for days. All I do is stay in bed and make love to some hot guy. I become 100% sex. It's all about sex. Meth is my God. Meth is the best feeling ever. It's so amazing. I don't see why everyone doesn't do it. It's the best. It's the best. IT'S THE BEST.

I start having sex with this man. He's a best. We fuck. It's amazing. Then he makes a call. Talking about bike racks and all sorts of crazy shit. My tweaker flashbacks start to happen and for some reason I think he's speaking in code for trying to set me up to rob me or kill me or do something crazy to me. I get dressed and he asks me what i'm doing. I tell him I think he's speaking in code to try to kill me or hurt me. He says hes not. I leave. It's almost 2, thank God theres a bar open. I go over to the bar and call a cab. I am delivered safely home where I don't feel as scared anymore.

Now I know why I've quit. Because I don't like this feeling. I don't like being sketched out. Even when i'm not high i'm still paranoid. I was seconds away from relapse. I have been sober but its time to start taking this sobriety thing seriously. Honestly, the only way I can change for good is to take it seriously. It's time to stop being such a pussy bitch and put myself out THERE. I need to do this for myself.

Black Gay Men in San Francisco

THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS BLOG ARE THE VIEWS OF BILLY HAZE AND MAY DIFFER FROM YOUR VIEWS

I believe that being black in America is still not fully socially accepted. Imagine being black and gay. Or worse, imagine being black and gay AND living in San Francisco.

Let me give you a little background about San Francisco's Castro, the community that is known for being the "gayest neighborhood in the gayest city in the gayest state in the universe" LOL. Well the castro has kind of a reputation for not being black friendly. You can go out in the Castro and see a ton of white people, a good amount of latin men, and a good amount of asian men. Then there will be a handful of black gay men. And these men stand out from the other men in many ways. Some things I have noticed about the black gay men in San Francisco are

1. They tend to wear colored contacts

2. They almost always have a white or non-black boyfriend

3. They almost always are the only black man in the group they're with

4. A lot of them are pretty overweight

5. If they're feminine they are ALWAYS more femme than the average femme

6. A lot of men in San Francisco who are gay do not find black men attractive

I'm pretty sure there are more but that's all I got for now. It's funny, because talking to other people (before I express my views I try to call around/go online) and try to find some people who agree with me, and a lot of men do, especially black men do. I do consider myself pretty well traveled and always make an effort to visit the gay areas of places I go, and San Francisco's Castro definitely has the least black men, and definitely the black men look different. I am not perfect or anything, but I HAVE noticed that in other places the black men are very sexy. In San Francisco alot of black men are fucking overweight and the ones who are ok and have nice body's have these contacts, relaxed hair (but most still have the fade which is typical of most black men everywhere gay or straight) and these super gay boy clothes. It's kind of weird.

I especially cannot stand the colored contacts. These things are worn by SO many SF black men. We know who they are. There is one man in particular who stands out. This man is just so unreal. Super gay clothes. gay relaxed hair. blue contacts that he tries to play off as his real eyes. It's so sad yet funny because this boy has some issues. From what I know about him I can take a good guess he may have dissociative identity disorder

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_identity_disorder

There are plenty of reasons as to why a black gay man may mess with their appearance so much. One could be that it may make them feel as if they are more acceptable. Another could make them feel like they are more attractive to white men. Those are some stupid bullshit reasons. As a gay black man, other younger black men need to feel attractive for the way we look NATURALLY. Black men are unique because while white, Latin, Asian may have similar features to each other, we are completely different. I want another black man to find me attractive, THAT will make me feel good. Black people have been looked at as second class citizens since forever, and it seems like to me that the way black gay men are dealing with that is not by sticking together but by trying to become closer with the people who as a whole don't find us attractive or are considered more beautiful by the rest of society.

I am half black and half white. I feel like I was raised well when it comes to race issues. I find all races attractive, although I will admit I prefer black, white and latin men more just because not only do I feel like I can relate to them on a more cultural basis but also I have experienced a lot of racism from all types of asian people, gay or straight. Thats a different topic though. But growing up I went to mainly white schools in more affluent areas. both my parents had great jobs and worked hard. I had a good mix of friends and never felt left out. I am not 'ghetto' like black people are expected to be yet I don't avoid black people/look down upon black people like most white people do (trust me, racism has become so institutionalized that a lot of white people with black friends dont even realize they're racist. At the same because of the institutionalized racism, so many black people don't even realize when they're being discriminated against) I feel lucky that I can go to the hood' and talk comfortably with 'thugs' and 'ghetto' black people without being considered white washed. I also think it's cool I can hold a conversation with black college grads without being considered ghetto. While I am equally white as I am black, I must say there is a welcomeness the black community gives me that I don't feel from the white community

You may ask what I mean. Well, my physical appearance favors my black side. I do feel more comfortable around black people just because I just feel more loved and cared for and looked after when i'm around black people. For example, when i'm with my black friends family (back in high school and college) they talk to you and treat as one of their own kids when your with them. That is common amongst black families because I feel that black families realize that the black community is missing a lot of strong black men so we in a way look after each other a little more. On the other hand, while around my white friends family, they treat you very well, but they still kind of let you know in little ways your a visitor and that there are certain things you can and can't do. Like I can walk into any of my black friends house when my friends not even there and have mom fix me something to eat and stay and watch t.v. or just hang out with his mom. With one of my white friends however, I would NEVER do that at any of their houses.

I just don't get how someone can not find their own skin color and people unattractive and not want to be with them. How a culture who has been through so much and struggled and experienced racism and are gay can not want a sense of community, but would rather take one of the more 'desirable' groups of men over their own. I really don't get it. Or I really do get it...although I don't understand it or like it.

But I am starting to learn if you want to get anything done you need to take it into your own damn hands. Maybe I will one day have the courage to do that one day. Everyday I am getting a little more and more comfortable being OK with myself (believe me, I got my own issues, and quite a bit of them at that!)

Check out my next blog post: Golden Boys!

Messy Messes PT.

So I was supposed to update this a couple days ago but my comp had some problems and yeah, this is coming a bit late from a friend's computer. Thank you for your patience, my 1 follower

Anyway, this blog is about messy meth heads! YAY. I can tell you one thing, when I was using meth, I was not a mess. You see, there are different types of gay tweakers and different levels of degree to each type. Let me list them here.

1. The sex tweaker - This tweaker's reaction to using meth is becoming a sex fiend. They basically can't have sex without being high. They like to stay up days on end having sex, jerking off, watching porn, and browsing sex sites. The sex tweaker is common amongst gay men. Some men have a problem so serious that they disappear and leave their families and boyfriends for days on end without saying a word. I was a sex tweaker, but unfortunantly I personally believe my sex tweaker syndrome was as bad as it could be. I never went out looking for it in the streets. I did it from the comfort of my computer, But some men are way hardcore

2. The Liar tweaker - This tweaker is a fucking liar. He lies mainly about his shitty life. He says hes wealthy. He says he has a great job. He brags about his cool accessories and all the hot boys hes fucked. But pretty much everything that comes out of his mouth is just a lie to make him forget about his actual life. It's sad, because why be someone else when you can improve yourself? Because it's easier to lie about it and fake it than actually live it. The Liar tweaker thinks he's slick and that everyone believes him, but in reality everyone knows everything coming out their mouth is a fucking lie

3. The Sociopath tweaker - Erik is a sociopath tweaker. He steals everything he can get his fucking hands on. ANYTHING. No matter what the fuck it is. If you live in San Francisco, are gay and use crystal meth you know Erik, and this is not an exaggeration. I have heard the craziest stories of him trapping people and holding them prisoner and all sorts of crazy things. Stealing money. Stealing even $4.00 from someone he partied with for like 2 days. It's sad. I fear someone will kill him one day if he doesn't shape up. Too bad a sociopath is not capable of shaping up

4. The Bag Chaser Tweaker - This type of tweaker is the opposite of the sex tweaker. He has sex in order to get his hands on the product. He is usually attractive. A good bag chaser will have sex with you and make you feel like he likes you so he can keep coming back. A bad bagchaser, which most are, will smoke and then act like he can't perform then leave. These men usually cannot afford their own drugs and can't not smoke/slam/snort. I have noticed that these men will do A LOT of your stash and want to do it in the most wasteful ways (slamming a half gram, etc) These guys may always be thieves as well

So those are the types of tweakers I know of. If anyone know of anymore hit me up at me. I will post those as well

Finished with the intro...

But the journey has just begun. Just completed my three latest blogs and will be posting one every other day. Whether your with me or against me I have to go and I will go alone if I have to but your more than welcome to come with me and help me stay straight and steady so I can win

B.H.

Hello My Name Is Billy...PT.2

Yes, he responds. He agrees to see me. I try not to get high. I fail. I do notice however, that the few days before I see Michael, I cannot seem to get high from smoking. It's weird. Thank God I am terribly afraid of needles, otherwise I would've slammed. But still, i'm smoking everyday, about a half gram, not really getting high (or getting high, but not feeling high) I'm starting to eat somewhat again. Damnit. I was enjoying this weight loss. That was one of the best parts of using. I can't complain though, I lost 60 lbs between December and last weekend. I know, quite a bit.

Michael wants me to meet him at the country club on a cool Saturday afternoon. I decide to go bag chase this guy first. We smoke and talk for a bit then he puts on this amateur bareback porn. I normally don't watch a lot of gay porn. I DON'T like bareback porn though, mainly because I don't like watching the men put their selves at risk. But I think cumming in someone is HELLA GROSS. Not nasty (nasty is good in my dictionary) but gross (gross is bad) I'm watching this and I start freaking out as I see this performer named Aaron Summers (according to the credits) cumming in this young Latin mans hole. The worst part is when it's dripping out. I HATE HATE FUCKING HATE watching that the most. I think it's disgusting. I start to freak out. The muscle bear i'm with tries to calm me down, only because he wants to fuck me. He doesn't care about me. He did get me high though (barely. we smoke some meth and then smoked meth mixed with weed and I felt the weed more than anything, and personally, out of all drugs I have done, the effects of weed fuck me up the most) so I do mess around with him a little but he wants to fuck me more than anything, and I don't let him. I get a message from Michael and I am off

The walk from Cumberland to this little cafe in the Castro seems to take only one minute. I walk inside and I look up to see the man I came to see. He's with a friend too. I go upstairs and sit between the two. I introduce myself to Philip. Hes a nice guy. I like him. Michael obviously saw how dehydrated I was because he gets me an Italian Soda, which I am EXTREMELY grateful to have because when I am high, I get REALLY REALLY thirsty. Michael then offers me some of his cake, which I decline. HELLO! I am not hungry, I am high! LOL. Or as high as someone who smokes everyday can get, which isn't much. Do you know how it feels to smoke a half gram and not get high, so you call your dealer demanding another one for free because you SWEAR that what he gave you is fake?

After chit chat about all of the interesting things that Michael has got going on, we part ways with Philip and then Michael takes me over to the Country Club. It doesn't look like a country. Rewind back to December. I was still dating Dave and I remember walking by this place though, a few months ago. This guy with a bunch of acne scars was sitting outside. Aaron or Chris was his name. He's a blonde guy. He was sitting there. I know all about him, yet he knows nothing about me. Tweakers talk and warn each other of these monsters running around wanting nothing more than to catch your ass slippin' and steal everything you have. But in this case I don't think Aaron/Chris was one of those, I believe he was just a 25 year old lost so far in his addiction and honestly wanted to stop. According to his Adam4Adam profile he has quit and in bold letters states 'NO PARTYING' I hope he really has quit, because I recently saw him doing the tweaker walk in the Tenderloin with one of his short little buds. He has that tweaker look that scares me and sometimes makes me cry.

I don't cry much. Michael saw me cry. That was my first reaction to seeing this really frail man. He's the reason why I decided to reach out to Michael in hopes of quitting. One of the reasons at least. I don't want to be one of those guys who hits up young addicted boys online because they know that someone like me will sleep with them for drugs. I also don't want to go to jail like Michael and be forced to go to rehab. I mean, it helped him, but I would rather have it a little easier than that.

Michael takes me outside and we sit on the steps and talk. He tells me that I can do this. I believe him. He's been through way more than I have. He also tells me I don't need drugs to have sex, and that you don't need drugs to be crazy. We sit on the steps of the Castro Country Club. Believe me, this place is NOT the type of country club you think of when you hear the word. It's a place where people needing help with various addictions come to seek out help. I would've never came here alone. I feel lucky that I have someone like Michael to help me with this. Thats when I start to tear up again. I hate crying, but thinking of the support I have from him, which is a huge upgrade from the support I had yesterday, because hes the only person in this city I associate with whom doesn't use. It's sad, but i'm changing all of that.

After wiping my eyes I go home and go to sleep that night. The next day I smoke, but again I don't get high. Philip suggests that I ask Michael about finding a support group, because I will need it he says. So I ask Michael about a support group and he says he will take me to a Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting on Monday at 7:00 p.m.

The meeting isn't very anonymous. LOL. I know so many men here, who I have done drugs with and slept with, but I will respect the rules of the program and keep them anonymous on this blog and not give out any names or intimate details of the men there. There were also a few women there, one in particular who was talking in circles over and over and over again. I try very hard not to laugh, so I bury my face in Michael's shoulders. Alot of the other men have weird looks on their face too, but their self control is better than mine.

The highlight of this meeting is when I say "Hi, my name is Billy...." Because everyone is waiting for me to admit i'm an addict. I don't. I don't like them looking at me. I don't like them staring at me. Another highlight is seeing this cutie during the meeting which I point out during the meeting to Michael. He says he'll introduce me, but by the time we leave I forget. Michael is sober for 18 months and gets a little coin for it. YAY.

The MUNI ride home was very pleasant. Michael and I talked some. We got off at Union Square and I need to go to Walgreen's and he needs to go home. Michael looks at me with tired blue eyes and tells me that we will be going to meetings all throughout the week. This man really wants to help me

I smile and say OK.

Someone cares about me and is watching over me. That is a really new but good feeling. I'm going to do this.

Hello My Name Is Billy...PT.1

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