SLAMMED

Lets go back to April 23rd 2010

I actually felt horny that night...so I decided to go on Adam4adam and see what I could find. It wasn't long before I connected with this dude and I was taking the F Castro up to his place.

I get there and he lets me in. He tells me he is a dealer. Oh no. I should leave, but i'm too fucking horny too go all the way back home. I stay. He slams. He asks me if I want to slam. I tell him that I will smoke if he has a pipe.

Wait a minute. I'm supposed to be sober aren't I? Yes, I am.

He doesn't have a pipe. Thank God he doesn't have a pipe. I was so ready...so fuckin' ready to get high again. so fuckin' ready. so.fuckin'. ready.

God damnit I cannot believe that I could've relapsed so easily. It's been almost three weeks since I last used at that point...FUCK. What was I thinking. This is what I was thinking: I need this drug. I need this drug. I need this drug. I need this drug. I NEED THIS DRUG. I can't do anything without this drug. I need crystal meth. I need that high. That incredible high I love so fucking much. This high is so amazing. I love smoking and turning into that sexual monster that I turn into. I don't eat for days. All I do is stay in bed and make love to some hot guy. I become 100% sex. It's all about sex. Meth is my God. Meth is the best feeling ever. It's so amazing. I don't see why everyone doesn't do it. It's the best. It's the best. IT'S THE BEST.

I start having sex with this man. He's a best. We fuck. It's amazing. Then he makes a call. Talking about bike racks and all sorts of crazy shit. My tweaker flashbacks start to happen and for some reason I think he's speaking in code for trying to set me up to rob me or kill me or do something crazy to me. I get dressed and he asks me what i'm doing. I tell him I think he's speaking in code to try to kill me or hurt me. He says hes not. I leave. It's almost 2, thank God theres a bar open. I go over to the bar and call a cab. I am delivered safely home where I don't feel as scared anymore.

Now I know why I've quit. Because I don't like this feeling. I don't like being sketched out. Even when i'm not high i'm still paranoid. I was seconds away from relapse. I have been sober but its time to start taking this sobriety thing seriously. Honestly, the only way I can change for good is to take it seriously. It's time to stop being such a pussy bitch and put myself out THERE. I need to do this for myself.