Yes, he responds. He agrees to see me. I try not to get high. I fail. I do notice however, that the few days before I see Michael, I cannot seem to get high from smoking. It's weird. Thank God I am terribly afraid of needles, otherwise I would've slammed. But still, i'm smoking everyday, about a half gram, not really getting high (or getting high, but not feeling high) I'm starting to eat somewhat again. Damnit. I was enjoying this weight loss. That was one of the best parts of using. I can't complain though, I lost 60 lbs between December and last weekend. I know, quite a bit.
Michael wants me to meet him at the country club on a cool Saturday afternoon. I decide to go bag chase this guy first. We smoke and talk for a bit then he puts on this amateur bareback porn. I normally don't watch a lot of gay porn. I DON'T like bareback porn though, mainly because I don't like watching the men put their selves at risk. But I think cumming in someone is HELLA GROSS. Not nasty (nasty is good in my dictionary) but gross (gross is bad) I'm watching this and I start freaking out as I see this performer named Aaron Summers (according to the credits) cumming in this young Latin mans hole. The worst part is when it's dripping out. I HATE HATE FUCKING HATE watching that the most. I think it's disgusting. I start to freak out. The muscle bear i'm with tries to calm me down, only because he wants to fuck me. He doesn't care about me. He did get me high though (barely. we smoke some meth and then smoked meth mixed with weed and I felt the weed more than anything, and personally, out of all drugs I have done, the effects of weed fuck me up the most) so I do mess around with him a little but he wants to fuck me more than anything, and I don't let him. I get a message from Michael and I am off
The walk from Cumberland to this little cafe in the Castro seems to take only one minute. I walk inside and I look up to see the man I came to see. He's with a friend too. I go upstairs and sit between the two. I introduce myself to Philip. Hes a nice guy. I like him. Michael obviously saw how dehydrated I was because he gets me an Italian Soda, which I am EXTREMELY grateful to have because when I am high, I get REALLY REALLY thirsty. Michael then offers me some of his cake, which I decline. HELLO! I am not hungry, I am high! LOL. Or as high as someone who smokes everyday can get, which isn't much. Do you know how it feels to smoke a half gram and not get high, so you call your dealer demanding another one for free because you SWEAR that what he gave you is fake?
After chit chat about all of the interesting things that Michael has got going on, we part ways with Philip and then Michael takes me over to the Country Club. It doesn't look like a country. Rewind back to December. I was still dating Dave and I remember walking by this place though, a few months ago. This guy with a bunch of acne scars was sitting outside. Aaron or Chris was his name. He's a blonde guy. He was sitting there. I know all about him, yet he knows nothing about me. Tweakers talk and warn each other of these monsters running around wanting nothing more than to catch your ass slippin' and steal everything you have. But in this case I don't think Aaron/Chris was one of those, I believe he was just a 25 year old lost so far in his addiction and honestly wanted to stop. According to his Adam4Adam profile he has quit and in bold letters states 'NO PARTYING' I hope he really has quit, because I recently saw him doing the tweaker walk in the Tenderloin with one of his short little buds. He has that tweaker look that scares me and sometimes makes me cry.
I don't cry much. Michael saw me cry. That was my first reaction to seeing this really frail man. He's the reason why I decided to reach out to Michael in hopes of quitting. One of the reasons at least. I don't want to be one of those guys who hits up young addicted boys online because they know that someone like me will sleep with them for drugs. I also don't want to go to jail like Michael and be forced to go to rehab. I mean, it helped him, but I would rather have it a little easier than that.
Michael takes me outside and we sit on the steps and talk. He tells me that I can do this. I believe him. He's been through way more than I have. He also tells me I don't need drugs to have sex, and that you don't need drugs to be crazy. We sit on the steps of the Castro Country Club. Believe me, this place is NOT the type of country club you think of when you hear the word. It's a place where people needing help with various addictions come to seek out help. I would've never came here alone. I feel lucky that I have someone like Michael to help me with this. Thats when I start to tear up again. I hate crying, but thinking of the support I have from him, which is a huge upgrade from the support I had yesterday, because hes the only person in this city I associate with whom doesn't use. It's sad, but i'm changing all of that.
After wiping my eyes I go home and go to sleep that night. The next day I smoke, but again I don't get high. Philip suggests that I ask Michael about finding a support group, because I will need it he says. So I ask Michael about a support group and he says he will take me to a Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting on Monday at 7:00 p.m.
The meeting isn't very anonymous. LOL. I know so many men here, who I have done drugs with and slept with, but I will respect the rules of the program and keep them anonymous on this blog and not give out any names or intimate details of the men there. There were also a few women there, one in particular who was talking in circles over and over and over again. I try very hard not to laugh, so I bury my face in Michael's shoulders. Alot of the other men have weird looks on their face too, but their self control is better than mine.
The highlight of this meeting is when I say "Hi, my name is Billy...." Because everyone is waiting for me to admit i'm an addict. I don't. I don't like them looking at me. I don't like them staring at me. Another highlight is seeing this cutie during the meeting which I point out during the meeting to Michael. He says he'll introduce me, but by the time we leave I forget. Michael is sober for 18 months and gets a little coin for it. YAY.
The MUNI ride home was very pleasant. Michael and I talked some. We got off at Union Square and I need to go to Walgreen's and he needs to go home. Michael looks at me with tired blue eyes and tells me that we will be going to meetings all throughout the week. This man really wants to help me
I smile and say OK.
Someone cares about me and is watching over me. That is a really new but good feeling. I'm going to do this.
