14 Minutes of "Fame"

So i've been doing some work/favors for a friend whom I really care about who was basically the person who helped me get the wheels moving for my recovery. Working with him requires me to meet alot of personalities and performers who have all been very nice and sweet and made what I am doing enjoyable and fun. Up until today

So the performer Steven Daigle who was on Big Brother who became a porn star is the featured guest at this event. The man supposed to be running this event, my friend, has another event so he can't be here. He hires a social host who is nice to host in his absence. I bring a friend/porn star to make up for the lack of help. Well Steven shows up late after refusing my help. Ummm, if Michael enlists my services and he knows EXACTLY what hes doing, then someone who has no idea what they'r doing should be asking for help. Although he was a little pissy with me, he sure put a smile on his face and those eyes lit up when he met the host. I'm guessing that is because the guest host is more connected around town than I am and therefore, being a professional bottom feeder he knew he couldn't step on his toes.

Honestly, Steven Daigle is a reality show loser who was unanimously voted off of Big Brother (a low-rated show on a low rated channel, his particular season getting lower ratings than any season) and feels that by becoming a porn star hes cool. I did my research on his personality, and he basically said himself that seeing himself on a flyer with other porn stars made him feel validated, and that porn stars were just regular people with nicer bodies.LMAO. Hey gay cowboy, your body is nothing to brag about. I mean, it's not bad, it's slightly above average. Anyway, here's a list of things I WOULD'VE done if I were a Big Brother reject and wanted to hold onto my fame a little longer, that extra minute

1. Write a book. Duh

2. Start a non-profit

3. Date Lance Bass

4. start a non-profit agency

5. Find some 'I LOVE THE 80'S' type of specials to provide commentary work for

6. Do real acting

And If You Absolutely HAD to do porn, here's what you could've done to capitalize on all you could've gained

1. Be a top. Bottoms don't become stars.

2.Be a top. Tops are more marketable. They get dildos and things like that. Blake Riley got an ass mold, which I must add nobody bought

3.Be a top. You could've held out and got the big bucks when you topped, but instead you gave it up in your first scene.

4. Work with a different company. C1R is not the best company, which is why I understand you work with them.

That's what I would've done...But thats just me.

Day 1

So I relapsed. I drank alcohol. I didn't get drunk. But I drank, and according to program rules ALCOHOL is not recommended. I have to be honest with myself and the other men in my program so I am willing to stand up today and get that 24 hr chip. I never got one the first time so I guess I will be making up for that tonight...

I decided that instead of going to meetings looking for men to fuck around with, I will be going to really listen and learn the steps correctly. Also going to be working on my myself more physically and mentally. I am a young gay man and the attitude I have been shown by my gay 'role models' is that a hot body goes further than a nice smile and pretty eyes with a kick ass personality can ever go. As of now, I am believing that because I really do think it's true. How can I not when it seems that I can't seem to win the gold medal doing what i'm doing now?? Men mainly care about a hot body and physical attraction, and that is the only reason I don't have a man now...

check out my next blog, entitled "Gold Medal" to follow up on what I wrote today

I Feel That Itch To Use Again

I am bored and have no sober friends.

My emotions are getting to me.

Almost nobody in CMA practices what they preach

I don't feel wanted or welcome there

Honestly I am almost fed up with the program. I don't even know why I subject myself into sitting in a fucking room 2 hours a day with a bunch of addicts and alcoholics who aren't about much. Like honestly, I feel that I can probably help myself or better yet help someone else better than any of them could. Seriously. They are hella fucking cliquey and they can honestly see you on the street an hour after meeting you and giving the fake smiles and the hugs and look you dead in the eye as if they have never seen you before in their life. The ONLY reason I keep going back is because it supposedly works, but the only thing going to CMA makes me want to do is fucking use. I am at odds with my sponsor and have been talked into getting a new one, but I decided I will ride it out for a while, because I do care about my sobriety more than I care about any of those assholes

I am close to relapsing right now...and I decided "what the hell these people gave me their numbers and told me to call them anytime if I needed to talk to them" Well I called, no answer, but they are willing to text. We wouldn't want to connect with each other during a conversation now would we? That would be too much like normal.

Thank God I am deciding to get sober at my young age, because I DO NOT want to be like these messy queens when i'm 37.

Golden Boys

"Golden Boys"

Why are you selling dreams of who you wish you could be
A prince in all of the magazines
They'd have no words for the man I've seen
Talk real fast 'fore they see your face

And would they love you if they knew all the things we know
We've got these images
We need them to be true
Not ready to believe we're no more insecure than you

But then there're boys like me who sit appauled by what we've seen
We know the truth about you
Now you're the prince of all the magazines
That is a dangerous thing

But would they love you if they knew all the things that we know
Those Golden Boys
All a fraud don't believe their show
Would they love you if they knew all the things that we know

Golden Boy life ain't a video

Place you in these robes and tell you you're the greatest man
And you believe and play your cards
Got dealt a winning hand
Don't you get tired of the show
The kissin' ass of all the people that you wanna know

When I was young I thought you had it won
I saw you in the Castro you made life look fun
But then years go by and people grow
I realize it's all a freak show

Boys like me don't need no bubblin' mindstate thrown in my face
The way you goin' ain't gonna be no stroll in the sunshine
Can't turn it back now baby you gone and past that line
So give it on up now
What you gonna do

Starting To Feel The Love/Starting To Win Me Over

It's so funny how so many people can help you out so greatly and barely know you

The other day I went to a party for a man named Gary. This was a VERY special party. Gary was celebrating his one year of being sober off of crystal meth. That is HUGE! It took him 9 years, but he did it. CONGRATULATIONS GARY!! But that night I had my own turning point that night. Well you see, im sort of a shy person and because of my low self esteem, paranoia, and depression issues. anyway, let me list the pieces of my still VERY incomplete puzzle:

1. Michael. He took me to my first CMA meeting. He gave me ALOT of attention. He made me feel special, wanted, and happy. I really look up to him a lot

2. Jared. He spoke to me for a while on Facebook one day and told me what I needed to do to take my recovery seriously

3. Philip. Philip isn't in Recovery, but like Michael is sort of like a father figure to me.

4. Gary. Gary invited me to his party. I don't like going places where I don't know anyone, and Michael was busy the day of the party and I didn't hear from him. If I didn't meet him and get a personal invite I wouldn't have gone, especially since the location was changed. He made me feel very comfortable and treated me as if he'd known me for years when I arrived at his party. He's a great guy

5. Richard. Met him and his sweet BF at Endowment. He spoke to me on the phone when I was freaking out about going inside the country club to Gary's party where I didn't know anyone. He was patient and listened to me until I was ready to go. Thats when minutes later I met...

6. Stefano. It is NOT like me to walk up to someone, but I had seen this man before and I thought he had a friendly face. I am known to be awkward in conversation, but it wasn't with him, which is unusual for me. He took me inside and introduced me to...

7. Andrew. Andrew is my sponsor. Nuff Said.

8. Stephan. Stephan is brand new, but hes my age. We had a great convo recently, and I felt like he was actually into it. We have a lot in common, ALMOST too much.

Those are the people who really stand out. Thank you guys for making me feel welcome. I will continue to keep coming back because of you al!